***The following was a lesson given in a Southern California Relief Society in February 2014. It was written very closely to the way it was given and is designed to be presented to a group of women in a Relief Society class.***
Alright, we’re going to jump right in and start off today with some ground rules. Sisters: I love you. Those who have sat through my previous lessons know that I absolutely love to hear from you and usually base my lesson entirely around you being able to comment and share. Not today. Today we are talking about pornography. Experience from well seasoned individuals tells us that due to the nature of the topic and the sensitive feelings involved, it is best if we don’t have any comments today. Frankly, people tend to say awkward and inappropriate things, divulge other people’s sins, or make remarks that are hurtful out of innocent ignorance. We are going to avoid that today and have a rule of no comments so no one ends up embarrassed or hurt. Let’s be blunt and say that as much as we want Relief Society to be a safe Zion-like atmosphere, we just aren’t there yet. We don’t want anyone to feel judged or unloved. So rule number 2, no judging and no thinking you are being judged. I encourage you to take notes. Don’t judge other people’s reasons for note taking. Don’t judge any tears. This isn’t a witch hunt. Just worry about yourself. Now, rule number 3, reserve your questions for after church. I promise you will have questions. Ask me later. Call me. Email me. Text me. Ask me after. Like I said, I LOVE to hear from you and I will gladly listen to you in a more appropriate and personal setting.
Please pay attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost today. I can only give you information today, but the Holy Ghost is the one you can teach you what you need to know. The Holy Ghost can give you warnings and guidance. Pay attention to any pits in your stomach or anything that might indicate a warning from the Holy Ghost. Pay attention as he testifies of truth that you need to hear or steps that you can take to help yourself or others.
As Jacob says in the Book of Mormon in Jacob 2:7, “It grieveth me that I must use so much boldness of speech concerning you...whose feelings are exceedingly tender and chaste and delicate before God, which thing is pleasing unto God.”
We are going to talk about some hard things today. I’m going to be as open and frank as I possibly can. Hopefully you will find it refreshing rather than painful.
I have actually had six months to prepare this lesson. I have read extensively. I have gone places. I have talked to numerous people. My preparation extends even beyond that. I spent a couple years as a social worker for incarcerated adults. I have specialized professional training in addiction and I have seen it up close and personal.
This is a difficult topic, but I want you to know that my preparation experience has been nothing but uplifting.
I have 4 purposes for this lesson:
1. Help women gain a new understanding of pornography and pornography addiction.
2. Give a clear message that women who face pornography addiction, whether it be their own addiction, or the addiction of a spouse, child, or other loved one, are not alone and that help and support is readily available.
3. Give women tools that will help them feel empowered to address this issue in their homes.
4. Walk away with an increased hope in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its power to perform miracles in our lives.
I’ve given you an outline of the lesson so you can follow along and take notes if you’d like. , I also have another handout that I’ll give out after the lesson which is a huge list of resources for further reading and information that should keep you busy for at least 6 months.
I’m sure many of you have already scanned over the statistics and are startled by them and are anxious to hear more so we’ll move right into that.
PORNOGRAPHY STATISTICS
- According to the most recent studies (2005 and 2009) somewhere between 60-70% of men under age 30 and 15-30% of women under age 30 intentionally view pornography at least once every week. More than 70% of men under age 34 intentionally view pornography at least once a month.
- Current trends show that number to be rising.
- LDS Therapists consistently agree that those statistics are the same for active LDS Church members. “We suspect that the LDS community is not any different from the rest of society when it comes to prevalence or magnitude of sexual addictions.” Todd Olson, director of LifeSTAR
- The rate of exposure for both males and females by the time they reach adulthood is 97-100%
It is easy and common for women to assume that these numbers somehow don’t apply to them, saying things like, “well, my kids are such good kids, they would never….”
We have some great wisdom from the Book of Mormon about this:
There was a lot of stuff going on in the city of Zarahemla. There was a lot of contention and arguments about who was rightfully in charge. They knew that the Lamanites were out there and wanted to fight against them. And so we read in
Helaman 1: 18 And it came to pass that because of so much contention and so much difficulty in the government, that they had not kept sufficient guards in the land of Zarahemla; for they had supposed that the Lamanites durst not come into the heart of their lands to attack that great city Zarahemla.
How often do we do that same thing?
“They’d never attack OUR city”
“That’d never happen in our Stake”
“That’d never happen in my home”
What happened to Zarahemla? Well, the Nephites had made bad assumptions about what the Lamanite’s strategy would be. Frankly, they had other problems they were dealing with and wrongly assumed that Coriantumr would never attack them at their very heart and center in Zarahemla. They didn’t keep sufficient guards because they assumed they were safe for now. Coriantumr was cunning and struck them straight into their center and overtook Zarahemla easily. If you think Coriantumr was cunning, then how about Satan?
You cannot afford to think you are safe from the far reaches of pornography. You need sufficient guards, and even then you need to be diligent and watchful to protect the heart of your home.
Something for you to think about: What do you think wives and mothers think when they find out about their loved ones pornography use? Are they surprised or do you think they figured their spouse or kids would be involved in something like that. More often than not they are surprised! They had told themselves: “my kids are awesome, my husband is awesome...that would never happen in my home!”
Here’s another great thought for you to ponder: If your spouse, or you, or your child is involved in pornography, does that mean they are not awesome? Are they suddenly bad? Does it negate all the good in their life? I will tell you right now and I hope the Holy Ghost will confirm to that what I am saying is true: it absolutely does not. Good people can have this problem in their lives.
This is happening in our church, in our stake, in our ward, and in our homes. We are not somehow immune to it because we are LDS. Satan is working very hard to trap as many people as possible. Look at those numbers again. Look at what that means. Look at what it means for the women sitting in this room and how many of them have faced this, are facing it, or will face it in the future. Even if for some reason we are a statistical anomaly and our numbers are half of what is there, it is still devastating and heartbreaking. My heart breaks to be aware of the reality of what so many of you are facing. Statistics tell us that some of you sitting in this room face an addiction to pornography yourself. My heart breaks to think of how ashamed and alone you must feel. Statistics tell us that some of you in this room have faced divorce or lost family relationships or even sexual abuse because of an unrepentant loved one. Statistics tell us that some of you sitting in this room have discovered this problem in your home, maybe recently or in the past few years and feel alone, defeated, hopeless, or ashamed. Statistics tell us that there are many of you sitting in this room who have this problem in their home or in their family and are unaware of it.
This should be very sobering. The world generally sends a message that pornography and masturbation are an acceptable form of sexual expression. In fact, there are arguments that pornography can’t even be an addiction so it is silly to worry about it. I am immensely grateful for a living prophet and modern day revelation. We have it revealed to us from God through a living prophet that pornography is dangerous and addictive.
In fact, we have a list of very clear standards. A former Bishop liked to call it the “For the Strength of YOU” pamphlet since it is for every individual, not just youth. It uses very plain language and gives us warnings and consequences that I will tell you is supported by current research on the subject.
From the For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet:
Satan uses media to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting. He tries to mislead you into thinking that breaking God’s commandments is acceptable and has no negative consequences for you or others. Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable. Have the courage to walk out of a movie, change your music, or turn off a computer, television, or mobile device if what you see or hear drives away the Spirit.
Pornography in all forms is especially dangerous and addictive. What may begin as an unexpected exposure or a curious exploration can become a destructive habit. Use of pornography is a serious sin and can lead to other sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs. It is a poison that weakens your self-control, destroys your feelings of self-worth, and changes the way you see others. It causes you to lose the guidance of the Spirit and can damage your ability to have a normal relationship with others, especially your future spouse. It limits your ability to feel true love. If you encounter pornography, turn away from it immediately.
It very clearly states in the Sexual Purity section: Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography.
Let’s be very clear so there is no confusion: this includes photographs, drawings or cartoons (yes there is plenty of cartoon pornography out there), and books and other writings that are designed to arouse sexual feelings whether you masturbate or not. Our standards make it very clear that reading a romance novel that sexually arouses you is not appropriate, even if you are not masturbating because of it. It can still have harmful effects, destroying healthy intimacy and relationships. Even photographs of shirtless men can be pornographic. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t be comfortable with a husband oggling something similar, then you probably shouldn’t do it either. If these statements offend you I encourage you to self-reflect on why you find them offensive and counsel further with the bishop. Or if you need further clarification, please consult the bishop.
So, we now know that this is a common problem, that it IS an actual problem, and that it has terrible effects. So what do we do? How do we deal with this in our homes?
PREVENTION and SAFEGUARDS
Let’s briefly talk about filters. Most pornography today is accessed through the internet. You can install various filters to keep a lot of pornographic material at bay to prevent accidental exposure. I’ve included information in your handouts on various levels of filtering whether it be software installed on individual devices all the way up to stuff you can install on your router. Filters are fairly good at preventing accidental exposure and you should absolutely have them installed on every internet capable device in your home, including cell phones. Cell phones are an increasingly popular method of accessing pornography. In fact, cell phone design takes this into account which is why you once saw shrinking size in cell phones, until the smart phone came along. Increased screen size and resolution are actually heavily influenced by the pornography industry.
Now, it’s time to offer up another sobering moment to you. In my hand I have a USB thumb drive. Probably most of you have seen one of these before and many of you have them in your homes as they are really useful tools for homework, file storage, and more. Kids often have to have one for school work. Now, by doing a simple google search I found instructions to install a little program on this device. It took me about 15 minutes. Now I can plug this little thumb drive into any USB capable device and bypass the password for the device and any filter you have installed. This isn’t a big secret. You don’t have to be a tech genius to do it. In fact, it has become a common knowledge sort of thing.
Filters can provide a false sense of security. Just because you have filters and passwords doesn’t mean you are safe. It is a first level defense against accidental exposure. If someone wants to access pornography there is pretty much nothing you can do to stop them. Even with filters, pornographic material still comes through.
Since we already discussed that there is virtually a 100% exposure rate, we need to arm our children with the tools necessary to deal with pornography not IF it comes along, but WHEN.
At what age should children be taught about pornography?
It is common for addicts in recovery to say that their exposure began at age 5 and sometimes even younger. It is never too early to talk to your children about pornography. You may think your child is too young, but Satan doesn’t. Teach about it in an age appropriate way. Many are familiar with good touch and bad touch and it has been a common topic to teach to children to prevent sexual abuse. The same thing needs to happen with the issue of pornography. In this month’s issue of The Friend there is a great little page about this very concept, written in plain words that children can understand. If you have young children in your home or grandchildren or plan to have children in your life in the future, please look at this article. I have made a few copies you can take with you after the lesson. pornography.
We need to embrace the fact that there may very well be pornography addiction in our homes that we are unaware of. It becomes important to make sure we are sending a clear message.
What message are we sending by the way we talk about pornography?
Example: “Did you hear about so-and-so? They are separated because he is a porn addict. Can you believe it? I thought he was such a great guy! I don’t blame her. I’d never stay with a porn addict either!”
How would a secretly addicted spouse hear that statement? “She’ll leave me if she ever finds out. She would be disgusted by me if she knew. She would never forgive me.”
How would a friend whose spouse is addicted hear that statement? “I can’t ever tell her what I am going through. She will judge me. She will never look at my husband the same way again. I have to keep my struggle a secret. I have no one to support me. I am alone.”
A Better Example: “I heard that so-and-so are getting a separation because of a pornography addiction. My heart breaks for them. I wish I had known sooner so I could have offered support and a listening ear. It must be really difficult and my thoughts and prayers are with them.”
What would a secretly addicted spouse or suffering friend hear there?
Example: “Pornography is really bad. It will ruin your life so you should never look at it. It is perverted and comes from Satan.”
What would a child who is secretly battling an addiction hear in that statement? “It’s too late for me. My life is ruined. I am a pervert.” What will happen when a child comes across pornography later after hearing that statement? What happens when they discover that an orgasm feels good? Honestly they may just think you are sexually repressed and don’t know what you are talking about.
A Better Example: “Pornography is something that you will come across at some point in your life, and you’ll probably come across it again and again and again. It can incite feelings in you that can make you very confused. In fact, it will probably even feel good for a while. It can be addictive which makes it very difficult to stop looking at once all the consequences of it start showing up. It might get you caught in a cycle that will lead you to places you don’t want to go and can make you feel terrible about yourself. When you come across pornography you can always talk to me. I would be more than willing to help you sort through those confusing feelings. People trapped in pornography need help to break free from it. I will always help you because I love you. If you are ever trapped, I will love you and help you”
How do I recognize pornography addiction?
I’ve given you a list in your handout that comes from the LDS overcomingpornography.org website. You can go ahead and read through that on your own as we just don’t have the time to cover everything here. That list was made in general to recognize it in teens.
Now in my preparations every time I showed this to someone they get all awkward and ask if there are any signs “in the bedroom” that they might see in a spouse. Besides the items mentioned in this list, it is important to note how pornography affects a personal sexual relationship between a husband and a wife. Pornography creates unrealistic expectations and many of the attributes of pornography find their way into the bedroom. Just as it notes on the list you have, these items don’t always mean that your spouse is addicted to pornography. They are simply red flags that may potentially indicate a problem. The official stance of the church is that what you do when it comes to sex between spouses is between each other and the Lord. I’m simply presenting red flags. Now, let’s get to it. Here are some flags: inability to achieve orgasm through sexual intercourse, premature ejaculation, fascination with anal and/or oral sex, a preference for no pubic hair, and any feeling of lust controlling your relationship rather than intimacy.
From here we may want to take a moment to talk about the addiction cycle as it will be an important tool in how we deal with pornography addiction once we become aware of it.
The cycle of addiction is all about the guilt and shame. Satan traps you in it. Loved ones who are addicts may try to bring you into their cycle telling you things like “don’t you dare tell anyone!” which causes you to feel isolated and traps you in your own cycle f fear, shame, guilt, and depression.
Here is a shocking idea which we could have an entire lesson about: pornography has very little to do with sex. It is a problem of lust. There is no amount of sex you can have with your spouse that will prevent or cure their pornography addiction!
When confronting a family member about pornography it is important that it is done in a loving way that can’t be interpreted as a sneak attack. When confronted outright, most addicts tend to lie. In fact, you can see how it feeds their addiction. Lying is a huge part of any addiction and only increases the tangled web they are trapped in. As we send a clear message about pornography we create an environment that welcomes repentance. You cannot force someone to repent. Repentance is always a matter of agency.
D&C 19:16-19 "For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all,to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men."
The addiction cycle is nothing but suffering. Breaking that cycle and starting the repentance process is where healing begins.
As we teach about repentance in our homes it is becoming increasingly important to make sure that our family members understand the purpose of Church discipline so that they are not afraid of it. Satan traps addicts in a cycle of fear and shame and worthlessness. Church discipline is not a form of punishment, but rather a form of mercy. Priesthood leaders pray and counsel about how best to help a sinner to repentance, not how to punish a sinner. As judges in Israel they stand in place of the Lord, offering repentance to the woman or man taken in adultery. Every opportunity is given to repent and return to the straight and narrow path.
Woman taken in adultery John 8. The pharisees brought her to Jesus and wanted her punished. They planned to stone her. Jesus forgave her straight away. As Priesthood leaders stand in the place of the Lord, they offer the same kind of loving mercy.
Now, for those women who already know about this addiction in their homes, or women who will find out about this addiction in their homes. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And equally as important, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. When a spouse or child confesses a pornography addiction to you it can feel like your entire world has been turned upside down. Mothers and particularly spouses experience what is known as betrayal trauma and often exhibit the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. They are in need of recovery programs just as much as the addict. These kind of programs help arm them with the tools necessary to move beyond these feelings, create healthy boundaries, and help them achieve a healthy emotional and mental state. While you could easily argue that they are the victims, the whole point of therapy and treatment is to not view yourself as a victim of your circumstance, but rather empower you with the ability to rise above your circumstance.
Sisters, in preparation for this lesson I went to the LDS 12 Step Pornography group.. I talked to the women there. I listened to them. It is a great place! It is a support group for women struggling with the very same circumstances as you! They are mothers and wives in various stages of life with various circumstances. If you would like to attend this group I encourage you to do so. If you are too scared to go by yourself, well by golly, I will go with you!
After all I have read, after all I have studied, and after all I have seen and heard when it comes to those struggling in the depths of addiction and the most serious of sins….the Atonement of Jesus Christ is always the key. The greatest single thing you can do for yourself and any loved one who faces a serious sin or addiction is to strengthen your own testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Study it, feel it, live it. In doing so you will invite others to repentance. You will be a pillar of strength in your home and in the world. Pornography addiction is kind of scary. It is overwhelming. With Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ on our side, we have absolutely no reason to fear.
